What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 30.06.2025 20:08
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
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Im still living with it.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I never cut or harmed myself..
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
But it wasn’t much.
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I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
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And i lived it daily.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
One cannot live in the past .
Would this be the day?
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
It was going to be , some day.
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He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
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As i do to all so called friends.?
Ive learnt so much.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
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One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
So whats the point in blame.
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A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
She was in good health!
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Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
She wouldn,t have been !
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
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I was scared of men, in general
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I write beautiful poetry .
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Thats was my nicest nick name for him
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
He resisted the act ,that day.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
So, i spoilt her more .
But, we were locked up after school.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I was 9 years of age.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
(And it was in our own minds.)
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I don,t even have a pension.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
She married twice! .
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I was very sick at this time too.
When she asked me how she looked .
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Comes on , in middle age.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
She loved him until the end.
Why did i forgive my father ?
My family never makes their pension either.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Put me off passion for life!!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I couldn’t, believe it.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
But ive been too sick for many years..
We all went to grammer schools
I could never make a relationship work though!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
She found it foreign!.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
All the time i was locked up.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Who then, do I blame.?
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I said to her
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Was to survive, this bastard.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I have no regrets .
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I waited trembling.
I think the readers, may guess!
This is soul school!.
My life is so biszare .
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I will be 64.
Especially a lifetime of it.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
We were not on the streets..
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
He was dying to do it , i knew.
What did i know ?
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I was seconnd youngest,
Where the ultimate outsiders.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
He knew the spot.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.